‘I’m too old for this shit’ I sometimes think when I find myself in certain situations. I’ve always found it interesting that the things that got you all fired up in your teens, often changed in your twenties, and then changed again in your thirties. I’ve always wondered how one year, you’re perfectly ok with something and the next, you can’t stand it. How is it that the people that once made us happy suddenly become people we don’t want to speak to anymore? How come our circles tighten up as we get older, and some of us don’t really care that we don’t have that many friends?

No matter how old I get, I still ask myself a lot of these questions. And while my values take deeper root and my priorities change (along with my tolerance level for things and people that just do not add value to my life), one thing is constant; the fact that I’m learning every day. About myself. About people. About life in general.

I’m learning that I may not actually love myself as much as I think I do. While that’s not a very pleasant realization, I think that the fact that I’ve come to realize it is a good step in the right direction.

I’m learning that I’m not very confident about myself and therefore do not know my worth; so I don’t value myself very much. I accept bad behaviour and make excuses for people when they treat me badly and so I get taken for granted a lot. A whole lot. But I’m working to fix this.

I’m learning that there’s so much good about myself that I’m not making the best of. I’m not developing my strengths; I’m not using my talents. I’m not pursuing my interests. I’m not helping people.

I’m learning that being considerate about others is not the same as neglecting my own needs. Too many times, I’m ignoring my own needs or desires to accommodate others. I’m being there for other people, but not for myself. I’m passing up opportunities to do stuff for myself just because I’m trying to make someone else happy. I realize that I need to find that right balance between taking care of myself and taking care of others.

I’m learning that not everyone will value me the same as I value them. And for that reason, not everyone will treat me the same as I treat them. Just because I respect or love someone enough not to do the things that hurt them doesn’t mean they will do the same for me. It sucks. But I guess that’s life.

I’m learning that putting myself first is harder than I thought. I guess I’m too worried about coming across as an inconsiderate bitch. A good friend of mine has warned me about worrying too much what people think. He’s right. I really shouldn’t. Those who will like me will. And those who won’t, won’t.

I’m learning that long moments of solitude are a luxury I should NEVER give up. The world around me is too damn noisy. There’s people, social media, TV, traffic, work e.t.c. I should get away more often to recharge. Go somewhere where there’s nothing but air and light and the peace and quiet of my mind.

I’m learning that no matter how bad I think I am, I deserve better than to settle, and should therefore treat myself accordingly. No half-measures, no compromising situations, no settling. Period.

I’m learning that being alone isn’t something to be afraid of, but rather embraced. It’s an opportunity to find myself, know myself, grow myself.

I’m learning that self-respect will require me to walk away from many situations. So that I can at least leave with my dignity intact. I really am too old for some shit.

I’m learning that fear is my biggest enemy. I haven’t yet figured out how to overcome it, but I will. Someday. Soon.

I’m learning that I’m the one who needs to nurture my soul; not anyone else…

I’m learning that my happiness is not about being with or being loved by anyone. It is about doing the things I love.

I’m learning that no matter how good a wrong thing feels, it doesn’t become right.

I’m learning that I shouldn’t lower my expectations of people just because I’m afraid that they will disappoint me. It’s ok to have high expectations. Those who think that it’s important to work towards them, will…

I’m learning that ‘love’ isn’t always a good reason, and that it’s never enough…

I’m learning that I will never be perfect no matter how hard I try. So anyone who’s looking for perfect in me will be sorely disappointed.

I’m learning that sometimes, I should just let go…