Here’s what that means to me when you say it.

I am responsible for this relationship. It’s nothing to do with you.

My actions will make or mar it.

You are indifferent to what happens with us.

You will not make any decisions where the continuity of the relationship is concerned

You don’t want to be responsible for whatever happens

If we have a problem, I’m the reason for it

I’m the one who calls the shots; you’re a passive participant

It doesn’t matter what I decide; you’ll just as well go with it

If we fail, it’s up to me

I can do whatever I want and it won’t matter

If you see me going away, you won’t pull me back

It’s my business

I’m the one without options

You’re here because you’re doing me a favour; you don’t have to be with me

You can do without me so whether I stay or go, it doesn’t matter

I’m the one who has to hold on to us, not you

If we split, it will be my fault, not yours

You will not be the one to break us up

And yet, every time the topic of us ending comes up, it’s you who brings it up, seeding those unhealthy thoughts into both our hearts, making me question my reason for staying, raising those walls in my mind, inch after destructive inch, making me wonder if you really want to go on or if you’re just hoping somewhere in your subconscious that I will take the shot that ends it.

Still, it’s up to me. Almost sounds like a veiled threat, because you know that I would struggle to live without you.

Whatever happened to “It’s up to us”? Why would you remove yourself from the decision? Is that not why we are together, ‘together’ being the operative word? If it were only up to me, we wouldn’t be together in the first place – because it takes two. I can’t be in a relationship by myself.

You say it’s cos I know your stand. But do I really? Every time you dangle that threat over my head, it’s like you’re testing me, testing my commitment. What you don’t know is that it makes me question yours, makes me take a step back and ask myself if we are really in this together or if it’s just me with my head in the clouds.

You want that in the future when they ask why we fell apart, the answer would be “She ended it.” with you not accepting your role or part in how it ended; with you not admitting that you left me alone in the relationship to make the decision.

I don’t care whose fault people think it is if we break up. In the end, it will be both our faults, because we were both equally responsible for the success of our union. What I will regret the most is looking back and realizing that we didn’t try hard enough; that we didn’t give everything. And that’s why I stay. To give everything.

If in the end, everything is not enough, then it wasn’t meant to be. But that isn’t up to me.

It’s up to us…