Ladies on call: 12 girls men usually have on speed dial.

Notice how the keyword in the post title is ‘usually’, not ‘should’. And that right there is my disclaimer, clear for all womankind to see and know that I am not in any way encouraging the boys to be naughty. I would like to add that the below list should neither be used as a reference, nor as a means to update an existing repertoire of females on call. That would be simply unacceptable! (And now I hear male voices chanting angrily ‘No double standards! No double standards!!). Yeah, whatever! *tongue out*

Fellas, this is my best attempt so far at trying to classify the several women that exist in your lives, generally speaking. And since I’m not a boy, it is possible that I will have strayed far from the truth for some of these descriptions. All I ask is please be gentle (batting eyelashes). So without further ado, let’s meet the ladies.

• The Booty Call: I had to start with this one because she’s the most obvious. She’s the girl for horny (and single to stupor) times. Usually not that special, her biggest advantage is that she’s always up for sex (I didn’t say she’s an easy lay because we have to help a sister preserve her dignity, and make it look like it’s her choice). You don’t have to work too hard to get some. She often knows exactly what role she’s playing but is likely to ignore that wise little voice in her head…
• The Fall Back plan: Simply put, she’s the last resort. She’s usually not the first choice on your call list, and the chances are very high that she isn’t second choice either. But where all else fails, and you can’t talk your top two or three options into hanging out or doing whatever with you, this one always comes through.
• The Real McCoy: As is implied by her title, there’s no jonzing with this one. She’s proper special. She’s the one that your group of friends recognize as the ‘wife’, not all those other ones that they call ‘our wife’ falsely. This one is the main one, the one whose call you will go to a quiet place to take, the one you will not keep waiting, the one you will cut your night out with the boys short for. This is the one whose mum you are likely to have met, who you’ll get fuel for first during a scarcity, the one you’ll listen to on the phone for longer than usual while she talks about her day and her problems (with the others, you can do a quick ‘lemme call you back’ and disappear). This is the one you love.
• The Side Chic: Ranked number 2 in the pecking order, right after The Real McCoy. You spend enough time with her for her to feel special. But not enough for her to be the leading lady. You could manage your schedule and call her on days when you’ve got an off-day from madam. Or you could just find her when madam isn’t around. Just like the real McCoy, she’ll get a gift on Valentine’s Day (though slightly smaller or less significant) and you’ll make sure you also do something nice for her birthday, because, in the event that things don’t work out with the leading lady, this one can step in to fill the gap. P.S – all your friends also know that she’s the side chic, yet they call her “our wife”. Effing liars!!!
• The Trophy: She’s a fine geh. She’s a golden geh. This lady is a good looker. You like to have her on your arm because she’s the belle of the ball. When the boys see you with her, they respect a brother. And you love the attention. She’s the equivalent of Props the showman. You can be sure she’ll dress to the nines no matter the occasion. You may or may not be getting some with this one, because it’s very likely that she’s one of those girls that ‘form’.
• The Bedroom Freak: Not the same as the Booty Call, though you’d certainly prefer that to be the case. This girl is likely to pop into your mind several times in the course of the week, and especially during conversations about sex and conquests with your guys. Why? Because she lived up to her title. You’ll probably call her from time to time to ensure that you’re somewhere in her consciousness. And then you’ll call her when you’re wanting some even though you know that there’s a chance she might not bite, pun intended.
• The One That Got Away: This is the one you really like (or liked) but never scored. In this case, you were her Mr. Nice Guy. You’ll call her once in a while (or more), usually when you’ve got some quiet time. You may just want to hear her voice, enjoy conversation with her, or find out if she’s still in a serious relationship, because hope floats, and you figure you just might get lucky.
• The Party Girl: This one is Friday’s speed dial. You want to take her clubbing because she’s the kind that will let go of her inhibitions and just have a good time. Put some alcohol in her system and she be rockin’ and grindin’ and letting you grope and grab all you want. She might even go home with you in the morning.
• Low maintenance: This is a girl for broke times. She doesn’t ask for much. She’s not one to want super expensive gifts or elaborate outings. Her idea of a great day out is a day spent in your house. And she’ll throw in good enough sex and possibly a free cooking session. She’s like the gift that keeps on giving.
• Miss Independent: Not very popular with you guys because she can be bad for your egos. She’s also not one to ask for much but that’s because she can provide it for herself. She’s working class and possibly too busy to have a life. So you know she’s lonely sometimes and you can use that to your advantage. She might (try to) pick up the tab when you go out, buy you gifts and even booty-call you when she’s stressed out from work and needing to relive tension.
• For Food Only: This is for when you’re hungry and perhaps broke. Or when you just want a proper homemade meal cooked for you (it can get tiring eating out all the time). All you have to do is show up at her house and if she’s home, you can be sure of a steaming plate of freshly cooked (or microwaved) food. The motivation is simple – she’s a fantastic cook!
• The Free For All: This one is a gift to be shared with your friends. Someone probably “shared” her with you and you returned the favour to menkind by paying it forward. Sometimes, she’s gone through you and your group of friends so many times that she’s now a permanent fixture in the group, one of the guys. You’d probably call her if you were really bored and wanted to pass the time ‘getting busy’.

Bonus entry – Miz Pimp: She’s the one with the hot friends who you call to set you up with the one that’s caught your eye.

I feel like there are several other girls that I haven’t captured in this list. And I’m almost afraid to ask you guys to share any suggestions. But in the spirit of equality and equal opportunity, I hereby open the floor to get your corrections, contributions and outright contradictions!

As for the ladies, I do hope that you can come to terms with whatever role you find yourself playing. And remember not to shoot the messenger.