I haven’t written in a long time. And it’s because I’ve been trying to avoid dealing with my feelings. I’ve been afraid to confront my reality – the fact that I am still alone, that I still don’t belong anywhere or with anyone, that I am lonely. It’s been a year since my relationship as I knew it fell apart. A year that has left me with so much less confidence in myself. A year in which my feelings of inadequacy have been magnified to the point that all I see when I look at myself is someone that isn’t good enough for anyone to be with. My self-esteem is at its lowest – comparable only to when I was an overweight teenager struggling with not being liked or asked out by any boy in school. They didn’t think I was attractive enough then, and it seems like that hasn’t changed.

Every day, I battle with my self-doubt, unable to see and believe that there is any shade of amazing or beautiful in me. Even when I stand in front of the mirror and say to myself “you’re beautiful”, I can hear a wicked voice in the back of my head calling me a liar. I don’t believe the words of affirmation. I can’t seem to find the will to believe them. It’s like I’ve been in this low place for so long that I don’t know how to climb back out. I can’t even remember how it feels to be happy. I don’t even know if I’ve ever known the feeling. Some days, I get through the day by avoiding my thoughts – I plug music into my ears, loud enough to drown out my demons, or I distract myself with coursework because it means I have to focus on what I’m studying. I cannot even focus enough to read a novel, something that I used to be able to do easily and every day. I am so reluctant to journal, because I don’t want to put what I’m going through down on record, where it will never be forgotten. I just want it to go away. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

This past weekend, I spent a whole day crying, from morning until the better part of the evening. I was so drained by the end of the day that I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I spoke to a vendor about buying myself a birthday gift and completely broke down, telling her about my woes – a complete stranger. I cried so much. The crazy thing is as she spoke affirmative words to me to make me feel better, that stupid wicked voice in my head was there again, filling me with disbelief and doubt.

I have made mistakes in my life, but I certainly I’m not the only one who has. And yet, I can’t help but feel like I am being punished for them. I have gone from one futile or ill-fated relationship to another, losing a bit of myself and of my self-worth with each one that ends, because no matter how much they say they love me, they never stay. Just the thought of that brings me to tears. I love with everything. I give all of me. I try to be what they need me to be. It works out for them alright until it doesn’t anymore. And somehow, I find myself no longer needed, outgrown, tossed out. It’s hard. My heart takes a beating. The sad part is that they always move on. They meet someone else, and I’m still pining away for them. Every single time. Always makes me wonder if they actually loved me the way they said they did, because I definitely struggle to move on.

This time, it’s so much worse. I don’t know how or where to begin to let go. I’m frantically trying to find things and people to distract myself with or fill my hollowness. I’m not succeeding, so I have to face my pain head-on. The sad part is that I get to watch him move on. And I can’t do anything about it. I’ve begged. I’ve cried. I’ve asked for us to try again. But now I’m forced to confront the reality that it is well and truly over. My heart breaks every time I think about it. I can literally feel the tightness in my chest every time the thought crosses my mind. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to love him anymore. I want to wake up one morning and just not feel anything.  It’s too much for me to deal with, and I’m tired of pretending during the day and crying myself to sleep at night.