Dear 2020, the festivities of the past year have tapered off, and we have now taken two weeks out of you. As I start to look ahead at what you might hold for the next fifty weeks, I only have one request – please be good to me.
Be good to My heart so that I do not become cynical. I like being a hopeless romantic, and I never want to stop loving fully and without reservation. But 2019 was hard on me, and threatened to harden my heart. So I ask that you be gentle with me. I want to be more vulnerable; I want to be more trusting, and I want to be more open. But if I keep getting hurt, I fear I may not keep up with these resolutions.
Bring into my life people that will help me learn these things. Teach me to stop wallowing. Help me learn to forgive. Give me patience and understanding. Free my mind of any expectations of people. Keep resentment far away from me. And if people want to walk out of my life, teach me to show them the door and not slam it behind them. Give me the courage to walk away from the things, situations and people that take away my peace. If I feel pain, let me not be ashamed to show it, but also stop me from degrading or demeaning myself in pursuit of anyone. Let me keep my dignity to cover my bruised heart.
Transform My work that I may experience significant growth this year. I am a hard worker, but sometimes I get bogged down by uncertainty in the work place. I worry too much what people are thinking and I cannot seem to trust anybody. Give me wisdom on the job itself and to build the right relationships. Bestow on me a healthy curiosity to understand the things around me that impact my abilities and expand my thinking. Help me find motivation in the smallest things so that even when work is hard, I’m excited to push on.
Teach me to learn, and to keep learning new things that will stretch my mind. I get confidence from knowledge and from acknowledgement of good work – dear 2020, please give me both this year. Last year was a tad skint on these fronts. I started off several projects last year; I would like to finish all of them this year, so that 2020 is a year of achievements. Show me how to positively influence the things within my control. And for the ones beyond my control, make them irrelevant. Teach me to get help from the right people. Keep those who do not have my interests at heart very far away from me, and do not give them a voice where my progress is concerned. May they not have a say.
Enrich My life so that I find the joy of living. I want to love me first, and love me more and stop depending on someone else to make me happy. I want my life to be full, doing the things that I imagine doing, the things that I see other people doing. I want to dare to live! And really live fully. Because I realize that living life just going through the motions is such a waste, and I don’t want to waste any more time. I want to travel, meet new people, make new connections, go on adventures, be more spontaneous, pick up a hobby. I want to get healthier and stay healthy, in mind and body.
Teach me to appreciate and love my flaws. Give me the courage to do something about the things I’m dissatisfied about, to change the things I don’t like. Open my eyes to possibilities, let me never, ever feel like I cannot do better, or get better. Let me never feel like I have to ‘make do’. Teach me to believe that I deserve better than half-measures, I deserve better than to settle, I deserve to truly live and I don’t have to wait for anybody to do so. This year I will make several trips but I want to go to at least one new country. Help me to be disciplined and stick to my plans.
Give flight to My dreams so that I can wake up feeling purposeful every day of the rest of my life. I have always enjoyed helping people, solving problems, using my experience to teach and encourage, but I don’t do it nearly enough. This year, I have to change that. I want to change that. Dear 2020, please by my year. Give me the courage to chase my dreams, to live my purpose. Someone I met recently called it ‘Heart Work’ – I want to start to help people, use my knowledge and experience, stop having impostor syndrome, be confident to chase my purpose, my heart work. I want to make a mark, create something and watch it grow. I want to be one of those who have a ‘small thing on the side’, that gives me fuel for everything else.
Related to that, I also want to write more. I stopped writing because I couldn’t face my thoughts; I was afraid of them. I still am. But writing is one of the things that make me whole, and since I stopped, I haven’t really had peace, or felt truly happy. I know the relief that pouring my feelings out on ‘paper’ gives me, but the last two years, my feelings have been pretty intense and not always positive, so I didn’t dare put them down because I didn’t really want to see the wreck I had become. I will try to change that this year – you have to help me. You have to help me do it afraid.
Grow My pocket. Yes, I’m asking for money. Because who doesn’t need it? But I don’t have a rich network, and nobody gives me money. I don’t even like to feel like I owe anyone, and collecting money from anyone is probably one of the hardest things for me to do. So it would be great to make a lot more money, so that when I give, I’m not constrained.
For a start, I would like a good raise. A significant one. Because it’s been a while. But most of all, I want to invest in the right things, in profitable endeavors. I want to generate additional income, and not in tiny little pieces – real useful sums that can work to grow themselves. I want to monetize my dreams – I need to. I’ve never really felt that I could charge any money for the things I’m great at, but then again, I’ve never really acknowledged the things that I’m great at.
This year, I want to make some money, no matter how small, from something(s) that I’m great at, something that I love. 2020, you have to connect me to the right people – people who will encourage me in my quest, people who will invest in my cause, people who will link me to people who will.
Bring me closer to My God. This one is a biggie. Not because it’s hard, but because I have waited too long to become deliberate about it. 6 years earlier, I was the closest to God I had ever been, and then I lost my faith. And I let my doubt and cynicism, and mostly sin, pull me away from Him. The further I went away from Him, the harder it became to go back. And while He’s never really been far from me, cos I still find Him in my quiet times, I think I just stopped talking to Him, really talking to Him. I guess I didn’t think I had a right to speak to Him, or maybe I was worried He wouldn’t talk back.
But I know better now. He is there, always there, and willing to listen, without judgement, without getting angry, without accusing me of complaining all the time, without making me feel like I can’t tell Him exactly what is on my mind. And I want to talk with Him more. It’s not about going to church and being Christian. It’s about building a relationship, one that will give me peace, with someone that loves me unconditionally, in spite of all my flaws.
I have started by just talking to Him randomly whenever I feel the need. I don’t really know how to pray, and that’s the best part of this relationship – it doesn’t matter how I communicate with Him, He still listens and He understands. He doesn’t need me to say it in the way He understands. He just wants me to say it and He’ll understand. And I want to feel free to just be me with Him. Let me have the courage to turn to Him even in my worst state. Help me remember to say Thank you to Him for the big things and the little things. Teach me to find comfort in Him first, before turning to anyone else. Remind me to always put Him first – never man.
Dear 2020, I know my one request has turned to many. But I believe in my heart that you are a turning point in my life. And I want to look back at you and marvel at the good things you brought. So help me God…
