I have a knack for picking the wrong men. And for giving away too much. And getting hurt in the process. With my track record (or my bad luck), one would think that I would learn from all my hurts and poor judgements. But somehow, I still wind up in the wrong kinds of relationships, with the wrong kinds of people, and in the end, I watch my heart get broken into tiny painful pieces, and see my self-esteem plummet to new lows. Every. Single. Time.
The men I date are mostly unavailable, selfish, emotionally stunted and in some cases just not willing or able to put in the work. If I’m honest with myself, I usually see the signs early on, but I always make do, taking what they give and giving all of me without reservation, with the hope that somehow, they will care enough about me to not hurt me. But that’s where I get it wrong.
They take what I give, they want more, and they take until they’ve taken everything. I give because I trust them, because I want to trust them, even when my head warns me to watch my step; and I give fully, with abandon, because what other way to enjoy love and passion than to give it unreservedly? But because they are unavailable, or selfish, or emotionally stunted, they cannot give back in the way that I give. It proves too much. So they start to pull away. Suddenly, it’s too much for them; I’m too much for them. I’m asking too much of them. That’s when they remember that they have other responsibilities, or commitments. They realize that while they may have come into this thing with me with the intention of having an enjoyable romp, I’m in it for the long haul. And it scares them, because that was not their plan.
At this point, I often question myself – am I too needy? Did I scare them away? Did I ask for too much really? Or is it that I’m just not good enough for them to invest their feelings for the longer term? What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? I don’t ask for anything. I’m not with them for money. I’m not looking for them to marry me. I just want companionship, someone to call ‘home’, someone to love, who will love me in return, someone to accept the parts of me that they enjoy along with the parts of me that they don’t. Do they not realize that they are not perfect either and yet I stay with them, giving myself to them to my own detriment? Does that sacrifice not mean anything? Or have I become so desperate that I have cheapened myself in their eyes, that they no longer see my value or worth, and so take me for granted, then tire of me? It drives me crazy; it makes me sad; and I hate that sense of inadequacy, of feeling like I’m not good enough. It kills me a little every day.
When they start to pull away, I have a scary vision of losing everything once again – all the me that I’ve given, all the moments I’ve let myself be vulnerable with them, all my hidden places that I’ve shown them because I trusted them with my heart – and I start to fight frantically to hold on to them, ignoring the little voice in my head that tells me that I’m fighting a losing battle, that they have already shut the door and I no longer have the key.
I think back to when things were good, and my heart aches as I contemplate the gravity of my loss. I can’t bring myself to imagine not knowing or feeling the joy or closeness I felt with them. I can’t think of a future me without them, because they have been an all-encompassing part of my life; they have become my life. I cringe when I think of them moving on to the next exciting ‘skirt’ and I become one more dot in their row of conquests, in their pocket of stories. And it decimates me. Absolutely and completely demoralizes me; makes me wish I never let my heart go in the first place. Each time, it’s harder to get up and move on than the last time. And there are days when I don’t even think I can – days when I feel completely shattered, and I can’t even blame them because I’m the stupid one who thought the next one would be different, when they all really just turned out to be the same. I think about all the time I’ve lost that I can never get back, the chances I passed up on, all because I loved them with all of me. And it breaks my heart, hurts my soul, gets to the very core of my being and leaves a gaping wound that threatens never to close. Where do I begin? How do I start again? How can I trust again? How can I believe that I am deserving of love when they always leave?
