I’ve been reading a lot recently about Attachment Theory. I know, it’s an odd subject to be reading about. But maybe it isn’t. I first stumbled on it while I was reading Chidera Eggerues’s book ‘How to get over a boy’ – yeah, you guessed it; I’m trying to get over a boy. Except this boy is particularly difficult to get over. Anyway, back to attachment theory. There are four attachment styles which we develop as children. And these styles influence how we get attached to our romantic partners and how we behave and interact in our relationships. They drive how we seek intimacy and solve conflicts as adults. I’ve only recently started talking to a therapist, so I’m sure we will explore my attachment style in more detail, but I think I am definitely the Anxious-Preoccupied type and it certainly explains a lot of things for me.
Apparently, people like me have a fear of abandonment and therefore are ‘people-pleasers’. We relinquish a lot of ourselves so that we can be what our partners want, or what we think they want, because we are afraid of pushing them away – that sounds painfully familiar. We are also afraid to bring up the things that make us feel anxious in a relationship because we are afraid of the negative reaction of our partner to our vulnerability – this one is a constant battle for me, and even now that I’m trying to get over the boy, I’m still afraid to bring up the things that stressed me out in the relationship, because I’m still afraid that he will misinterpret them and react negatively.
Anxious types like me also have a constant fear of being left, abandoned or rejected and therefore require constant reassurance that the person we are with is not going to abandon, reject or leave us. This is particularly true where I am concerned, but I promise it is not an unfounded fear. In my experience, they always leave. They always abandon me. Somehow, I still end up not being enough for them, and they leave. In some cases, like the most recent, they out-rightly reject me and move on to replace me like I was so insignificant. It is one of the most awful feelings ever in this world to deal with, this feeling of utter rejection. But I digress again.
From what I’ve read, people like me are often drawn to the wrong type of people – people with avoidant attachment styles, who are bound to hurt us either by leaving or by never committing fully. Our ideal partners should be people with a secure attachment style, who can help us develop a healthier attachment style by being there for us, showing up for us, being compassionate and empathetic, and knowing what we need. Psychologists say it is possible to shift our attachment styles to the healthier, secure style. But, of course, it is a long and slow process, because it is difficult to unlearn years of maladaptive coping mechanisms. I’m not very optimistic about shifting mine because let’s face it, I’m nearing half my life, my experiences with relationships have been from one hurt to another, I’m terrified now of falling in love and I don’t even have the confidence to hope that anyone will want me enough to try to understand me and love me the way I need to be loved. So, the chances of me finding a partner with a secure attachment style to teach me healthier relationship habits are slim to none.
Where does that leave me then? Without attachments, right? So much for attachment theory… Lol.
