Let me start with a disclaimer. The characters in this post are purely fictional creations. If they bear any similarities or resemblance to you or any other persons in real life, it is not my fault. If after reading this post, one of your “men on call” decides to walk out of your life just because he is now better informed, I shall not be held liable.
That said, let me introduce you to these fantastic guys. They’re a must have for the modern Nigerian girl of today. Just like shoes, you need the right one for the right occasion, so have a look at the list below and figure out what bit of your shopping is yet to be done.
- Recharge Card Boy: Sure you can always buy yourself some airtime. But you can never really have too much airtime. This guy here will always be handy to send you some, in the hopes that maybe you’ll call him more often? Or in the hopes that you’ll like him a little more. Just ask nicely and don’t forget to call him and say a very heartfelt thank you.
- Free-food Guy: This guy will always be ready to take you out for a meal, especially on those days that you have a hankering for more than just the ordinary stuff. Call him (with Recharge card boy’s airtime), chat him up a little and then suggest you guys go out for a meal. Even better is to mention that you’re hungry and say what you really feel like eating. He’ll probably think of the best place to get what you’re craving and presto! Breakfast or lunch or dinner is served.
- Stand-by Chauffeur: We all need one of these guys. For when you don’t want to drive or spend cab money (although UBER rates are very friendly). This one will take you anywhere or pick you up from anywhere. It would help if you gave him advance notice though. That would greatly increase your chances of getting that ride. But these guys are known to move mountains to get you where you want to go. Don’t forget to call him once in a while just to chat about “non-driver-related” things. We don’t want him feeling used. Besides, you have all that airtime from Recharge card boy. Use it.
- Hang(out) Man: This is a man for bored times. Have no plans and a bout of ennui? Or does the world suddenly seem very uninteresting? Call him. At the drop of a hat. If he’s free, he’ll go to a movie with you or to a bar for drinks or any other place where you can just hang out. He’ll move stuff around and make sure he’s there.
- Money Banks: This is the Baba Alaye Number 1 of speed dials. Not everyone has this one. Whatever your needs, he’ll give you money towards it. All u need to do is ask or hint at it or lead him to ask about it. Problem is you may not always get away with giving him nothing in return. There was a time when they were all just happy to give just for giving sake. Now, most of them no longer offer “free lunch”. (I wonder if that’s because the exchange rates have soared over the last year or so). So if you’re ready to spread ’em once in a while, then you’re good. Otherwise, get the money from him once or twice and then find a new one.
- Party Animal: Are you looking for a great Friday night out? This is the guy for the job. He knows the clubs with the best crowds, the banging DJ’s, the most affordable drinks (cos he might be the one buying) and he can rustle up a super cool party crew in minutes. Just be careful not to get too drunk. He or one of his friends might take advantage. You have been warned.
- Mr. Nice Guy: We all know this one. He’s the sweet one, the one who knows he’s not likely to have a chance with you, but likes u anyway and makes you feel special. He’s often the one in the very popular “Friend Zone”, that dreaded purgatory for guys in love with girls who don’t feel the same. You can be sure to get a gift on Valentine’s Day and on your birthday from him. So keep him on the back burner and call him if you’re ever feeling unloved.
- The Bad Boy: Mr. Nice Guy’s evil twin, this one probably just thinks you look hot and is not likely to spend a lot of time with you unless he’s certain that he’ll “score”. He’s got lots of girls wrapped around all ten of his fingers so you’re really just a tiny dot on his very wide horizon. However, if you’re looking to be adventurous and do something crazy a.k.a something you might regret, this is your guy. You probably secretly like him anyway. Like, really like him…
- Props, The Show Man: Yes, his name is Props and this is the guy you want to be seen with. He’s the handsome one with the badass car, impeccable dress sense, commanding presence and he doesn’t talk much. This is the one with whom you want to arrive at a party with, the one that will make every other girl in the room army green with envy. Ladies you know the guy I’m talking about. He looks cool, suave, dashing, and debonair and all those other adjectives that are used to describe dreamy and impressive guys. If you’re lucky, he’s also your boyfriend. But that isn’t always the case. Beware of him though. He may not talk much, but he certainly can talk your pants down.
- Mr. Back-up Plan: This guy is the relationship between relationships. He used to be your boyfriend a (long) time ago but you both met other people. Because he’s familiar and safe, you tend to gravitate towards him when you’re out of a relationship – I see you nodding your head in agreement. You know this guy – the company is good, the sex is familiar (or better than familiar) and until you find your next catch, he can hold the fort. You’ll only have a challenge if he’s in a ‘serious’ relationship. Bummer!
So, are you taking stock right now of how many of these guys you actually have in your life? If you’ve got all of them, I throw way salute!
For the guys, maybe start trying to figure out what role you’re playing in the lives of all those other girls around. I’m hoping you’re not playing a role for the main girl, unless you’re playing all of the roles, which would be awesome.
If you have any additions/suggestions, share with us so we can update our shopping lists. Let’s not be hoarding tins.